My first experience with “sex” was in the 6th grade. The school nurse separated the boys from the girls and took us girls across the hall, closed the door, and the shades. I thought we were doomed. She then gave us girls brown paper bags that we weren’t supposed to show the boys what was in them. She showed us a movie about the male and female plumbing. To this day, I remember how nervous the nurse was as her hands trembled while holding up the bag and pulling out….a peri pad. That’s all, a peri pad to use when us girls have our menstrual cycles, or monthly periods. I thought how dumb not to show it to a boy, “What is the big deal?” And so the shame began.
The whole idea that this part of the natural human anatomy was “dirty” has led many people to misunderstand, misuse and miss out on the JOY OF SEX.
I knew a woman whose church taught her that sex was DIRTY until you got married. We all know this man-made church that uses guilt, shame, judgment and condemnation. Well, she waited to have sex and then got married. Now what? She associated sex as being dirty so much so that when she got married, she couldn’t have sex with her husband! She worked out the issues by seeing a therapist and went on to have a fulfilling sex life with her husband. Yay!
Sex truly is a joyous gift given to us by God who carefully created man and then purposefully hand-crafted woman so they fit perfectly together. Pretty astounding engineering, even if you’re a non-believer.
A recent study demonstrated that sex is best among married couples (man/woman) over singles, co-habitating couples, or divorcees.
Married couples were designed to enjoy every inch, curve and protuberance of the human bodies with all their hearts.
“Man” has mucked it all up though.
A man uses love to get sex and a woman uses sex to get love.
Do humans even know the what and how of healthy, loving sex?
How does a healthy attitude and knowledge of sex begin?
Our adults relationships with the opposite gender is formed by our relationship as children with the opposite gender parent. The mother-son and father-daughter relationships determine our relating and adult identities with the same gender parent also playing a role. Passive, unaffectionate father figures lead young girls/women to look for love in all the wrong places. Domineering and controlling mothers cause boys/men to have a difficult time relating to girls/women emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Pornography has obliterated the joy of sex. With over 250 MILLION porn internet sites, pornography is a negative sexual force to contend with. Porn has reduced and distorted the joy of sex to just being an animal act of the man’s body part fitting into the woman’s anatomy. Porn destroys marriages in nine ways:
1. Porn invites comparison. How the man and woman look in the porn video then becomes the expectation by the married couple of how each other should look and “act.”
2. Porn invites lies. Most men lie about watching pornography. Even if they are honest about it, for the most part, porn is kept hidden in the marriage, viewed after the wife is asleep or not around.
3. Porn lowers self-worth. Those who view it start and end with a feeling of inadequacy.
4. Porn robs us of true marital intimacy. It’s the “crowded bed” syndrome. When porn is involved, you’re taking more people in bed with you which eliminates the experience of true intimacy with each other.
5. Porn is adultery. As number 4 states, you have more than your spouse in bed with you, even if only in your mind.
6. Pornography is addicting. Oh Yeah.
7. Porn creates false illusions. Do the women in porn flicks have needs? Of course not. This false illusion that women have no sexual needs, wants or desires, wreaks havoc in real marital relationships.
8. Porn creates emotional detachment for men. In pornography men are “taught” to focus only their male organ to the point (no pun intended) that even they “forget” they have a heart, forget to relate to their wife, and forget all of the other wonderful aspects of sexual intimacy.
9. Pornography leads to self-sex, masturbation, addiction. Self-sex is just that, you create the feeling yourself with yourself. A wife cannot produce the same feeling a husband does for himself. Self-sex means you only think about your needs and since it’s just YOU, you don’t understand how your wife can possibly have needs that she wants YOU to meet. Married couples who engage in self-sex, with or without each other’s knowledge, are on the slippery slope (pardon the pun) of destroying the joy of sexual intimacy.
Pornography is not sex and it’s not love. Pornography is not a healthy and mutual intimate exchange between a man and a woman.
Intimacy Anorexia is a series of 10 behaviors (manifested in a variety of ways) defined by Dr. Doug Weiss exhibited mostly by men to keep their wives at a distance to avoid physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy. Dr. Doug Weiss is a recovering sex addict and defined Intimacy Anorexia. However, Cory Schortzman, is a recovering Intimacy Anorexic who specializes in treating men with IA.
The IA behaviors include the following:
1. Busy Intimacy anorexics stay so busy that they have little time for their spouse.
2. Blame The intimacy anorexic will blame their spouse for the problems in the marriage.
3. Withholding Love The intimacy anorexic actively withholds love the way the spouse likes to be loved.
4. Withholding Praise Intimacy anorexics do not regularly praise their spouse privately.
5. Withholding Sex Not all intimacy anorexics withhold sex from their spouse. Most intimacy anorexics do though withhold intimacy during sex.
6. Withholding Spiritually Intimacy anorexics can be very religious by attending church and can even be the pastor or spiritual leader at the church. But at home they rarely pray with their spouse or worship or read the Bible together.
7. Feelings The intimacy anorexic is someone who is unwilling or unable to share their feelings with their spouse.
8. Criticism Ongoing or ungrounded criticism toward their spouse is another characteristic of intimacy anorexia.
9. Anger/Silence An intimacy anorexic can use anger or silence to control their spouse.
10. Money This is the least common feature of intimacy anorexia but when it’s present it is really strong. The intimacy anorexic will use money to control the spouse.
One additional behavior exhibited by an IA is the, often subtle, degrading by the husband to the wife, to keep her from feeling good about herself. The husband’s deep sense of inadequacy and insecurity makes him want to “hold his wife back” for fear that if she feels too good about herself, then she will leave her husband. As much as an IA fears true intimacy is as much as he wants it. The conflict is overwhelming for him. It is extremely painful being the spouse of an IA.
The four causes of IA:
1. Sexual trauma/abuse
2. Attachment issues with the opposite gender parent
3. Sexual addiction
4. Role Modeling Neglect
Having a truly joyous marital sex life is very possible. Being honest with yourself and your spouse is a good place to begin. If you find your spouse exhibiting the behaviors of an IA, contact Cory Schortzman, join a support group and start your healing journey.
Teens are looking for love in all the wrong places! They hunger for an honest and open dialogue about sex, boundaries, love and more. I recently became certified as a teen speaker on these very topics.
Who wants to have great sex? EVERYONE!
So let’s help teens have great marital sex! Let’s talk to them openly, honestly, without guilt, shame and judgment AND without telling them what to do!!! We KNOW it doesn’t do any good to tell a teen that they can’t have sex. How about engaging teens and discussing with them about the 15 steps of intimacy, boundaries, relationships, self-identity, behavior, marriage and more! How about using effective tools that get the teens to actively participate in activities that facilitate the reality of their choices that create those “Aha” moments of “now I get it!”
Teens are curious, insecure and embarrassed to talk about sex and parents are too!
Let’s help teens who are already engaging in sex to regain their virginity by using the 21-day love test.
If you would like me to speak at your child’s school, 6th-12th grades and at colleges, youth groups and teen organizations please contact me. I use all age-appropriate, researched-based content, activities and tools in a fun and objective manner. As a Speaker/Health Coach/RN, I understand human nature and use a caring and humorous approach that makes private clients, small groups and entire audiences feel comfortable and at ease. I also offer private or group teen girls “Diamond in the Rough” classes.
Let’s finally give teens a chance to view sex for what it is, a healthy and loving bond between a married man and woman.
Loving, marital sex is a heartfelt, human bonding experience that when respected and cherished between a husband and wife is rejuvenating and joyous.
So, go and have some great sex with your spouse!